2nd Month Check-in (April First)

    What can I say?  This month was a lot of ups and downs.  Giving myself direction is proving to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  Forcing myself to sit down and draw is, at times, the most anxiety-inducing actions I can take, and the only way I can get through and avoid a panic attack is to:
Breathe and keep drawing. 
Try to ignore the fact that my drawings rarely come out as I'd like them to.
And attempt to be nicer to myself.

My word for this month was commitment.  I can't say I owned up to that. The amount of things I accomplished was a little better than last month. A little more here, a little less there.  I've attempted to reach out more to the OA people, but I've only gotten 3 responses from people in 2 months. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong.  I hung out in the artist Google chat too, which was fun for a little while. I'll definitely try to work on that some more.

One Illustration a Month:  I'm considering these drawings to be in a "STILL" learning stage.  I honestly don't think I appreciate them enough.
Here, I did a self portrait where I wanted to really have fun with my blue scarf.  I foolishly color picked from the photo and made some real mistakes with the face. Structure-wise, I think it looks pretty good, even if I have a big chin, and I really like the hair.  But from looking at this, I could tell I hardly applied anything I learned in my painting class. The face and head are from one color palette, while the background and scarf are from another. They don't mesh, and I don't think I know how to fix it.  As many of my teachers have said, the struggle of the artist isn't in learning of a skill as much as it is in application.
How many times will I have to those skills before I my knowledge can reflect what I can produce?

I'm pretty happy to finish this piece.  Not only because it means I did 2 illustrations this month, but because it's a personal picture of Mark, and I haven't done one of those in years.  As far as concepts go, I think it could have been stronger.  Maybe make Mark smaller in the image, give his gesture some more emotion. Convey a real sensation of drifting away - disassociation.  Falling into the darkness.  That's what I wanted.  Next time I should stop and contemplate the final image a little more instead of just coloring a sketch I liked.  Do more thumbnails for a picture and don't go with your first idea. It's rarely the best one!!!









Writing :Well, here I got a little off.  I expect approximately 20 a month.  Last month I had 22, this month though? I had 9.  It felt easier for me to do the first pass at this early part of the story.  All new characters I didn't have to worry about so much. I could build them up so quickly and not feel bogged down by them.  Then as I approached Moshea's old age and the birth of Saith, I started to studder a bit. "I already 'know' these characters, I better not mess them up! Keep in mind what I've already wrote for them."  I need to let go, really let go, and see what drives my characters.  And remember not to narrow the story down too much when looking at the bigger picture.
In spite of my small page-count, I did do something pretty awesome this month. I created a 3-4 page web-diagram detailing events from the past in my story line, and how they effect future events.  As of today, I've made it to the moment Mark is revealed as being the vessel of Amanun.  What's so great about this outline is that I'll be able to do more writing with this skeleton lying around.


Movie a Week : I'm a lot closer to my average goal now; I did 3 movies this month! Again I didn't do any studies from these films. I must work on that in April.  Maybe I'll go back and even do some studies from movies I watched already, just to make it up to myself.
Anyway, first up is:

Jaws (1979) - Probably the most re-watchable movie I watched all month.  We saw this as part of Michelle's "Films on Paper" class to study what true horror in a movie is.  None of that grotesquely over the top stuff like killing off the main character's kid, or showing a many being shredded to pieces. (Though there is a scene, above, where a main character is eaten alive by the shark, and that's pretty gruesome.)  Jaws was an awesome story in a lot of ways, but mostly of all, it's build up.  The pure ignorance of the towns-folks was both astonishing, and sadly familiar.  As much as you may think, "Oh people couldn't be this stupid, there's a killer shark in the water!"  the abyss in your gut echo's back, "But you know people would be that stupid."  The main character Brody is a simple man who hopes to make a difference in a small town as their sheriff, but he has no idea how much of a difference he can really make.  Brody is a man of no remarkable skill, other than a logical head on his shoulders. Sometimes, that's all you need.  When he, the scientist Hooper, and the sailor Quint, set off to kill the shark, there is little doubt in their mind that they'll be taking it down.  And at first, they seem to do so.  There are a few moments of uncertainty, and fear, but the crew honestly seems like they're going to get the shark.  The tables turn when the shark begins to prove that the men are toys in his sand box.  It busts parts of the ships, destroys their generator, and drags them around.  The mood shifts from possible triumph to certain doom very quickly.  I think the character that interested me the most was Quint.  His character doesn't really arch, which is why I feel he had to die by the shark.  He was filled with vengeance against all sharks for killing so many of his fellow soldiers, but he represented a deep-seeded hatred that had no room for growth.  His death perhaps signified a passing of old thinking.  On a bigger scale, representing a shift in life for the people on the island.  With Quint dead, and Brody assuming Hooper's death, only he can take on the shark, on a ship that has almost completely sunk.  When Brody can seriously loose nothing else, he makes the killing blow, and saves the town from the shark, and delivers them from their own ignorance.  Just awesome.

Schindler's List (1993) - I don't think it's possible to sum up this movie quickly.  There is so much that goes on, so much content and context that I lost myself for what felt like 4 hours in this film.  The mistreatment of the Jews portrayed in this film were top notch in making the viewer feel real sympathy.  Sometimes those scene went on for durations that were disturbing, which I think added to the impact.  If I had to pick out what the actual STORY was about though, I guess I'd have to say that it focused on the conflicts and evolution of Oscar Schindler.  The arch in this film was so good and clear.  "He wants one thing, but he needs another."  This old phrase sounds like such a simple trope, It conjurers up images in my mind of a simple socket wrench.  But a wrench is a valuable tool if you know how to use it.  Oscar explicitly states that he has no interest in other people, Jewish or otherwise, and sees their plight as a chance for cheap labor.  He uses his Jewish workers to accumulate large sums of money for him to return home and perhaps retire with. Ignorant of his workers.  We see by the end of the film that Oscar spends every last dime he has protecting those workers, and what amplifies that notion is the way in which he leaves them. Schindler spent all he had to save Jews from concentration camps, and yet, he wishes he could he done more. He would sell his clothes on his back or his only means of transportation if it would have saved one more human life.  Impactful, plain and simple.  On the other side of the coin is Amon, a Nazi commander who is an obvious psychopath with a true blood-lust.  I don't want to go too far into him, but I will note how Amon was Schindler's evil mirror.  Evil Mirror is a term I like to use in place of doppelganger.  In stories I've observed, the evil mirror character is the reflection of who the main character could be or could have been.  For Gatsby, it's George Wilson.  Basically, the main character can look into the mirror and change themselves to be less like the mirror, or the mirror will destroy them.  Oscar tries to help Amon, and Amon even looks up to Oscar... But it is no use, Amon is incapable of true growth and dies, while Oscar is freed from whatever sentiments he and Amon may have shared.  Beautiful.

Road to Predition (2002) -I was suggested to watch this one by Chris Carman.  He mentioned to me the great cinematography in the film, and how I could learn from the atmospheric lighting.  I have to admit, I can't remember if he told me this, but only one scene in the film actually had the dramatic lighting seen above.  I watch the film anticipating more emotionally stirring cinematography.  I was a little disappointed, but it was a good gangster film nonetheless.  I didn't quite get it at first, but the heart of the film really was in how evil can consume itself.  It takes light from the good and the bad alike, and when it's all done, there's no one left.  Tom Hank's character, Mike, did bad things for the Irish Mob, so that he could provide for his family.  His good deeds earned him the favor of his "adopted" father, and the scorn of his partner and "adopted" brother.  Mike's family is killed, and he wants vengence. He knows the price that comes with trying to take out the mob-boss's only son, but pushes for it anyway.  In the end, Mike realizes that his son, also named Michael, is the only pure thing in his life that is left. (As the viewer, Michael is the only pure thing in the entire movie that is still alive)  Mike has to protect his son, and not just from other people, but from becoming a murder like him.  Down to the last moment when Michael is about to shoot his father's murder, Mike pulls the trigger first to save his son's soul from hell, and to keep the blood off his hands.  Michael goes to live with a simple family, and never touches a gun again.  He's free, but at the cost of enormous sacrifice.

All of these films have been quite educational, and fun to watch. I'm excited to see what movies come my way this April (Besides The Room, which I'll be having a viewing party for this week!)


Studying forms and the basics:
I always save this party for last because, well, studying is probably the kind of drawing I hate the most. I'd rather do just about anything else most of the time.  That makes me worry for my artistic future. It makes me worry a lot, to the point I almost have another one of those anxiety attacks.  I tried to take Michelle's advice and study what it is I really like about artist I admire.  Try to adapt parts of their style into my own work.  That was actually pretty fun when I got it right.  Drawing like someone else is extremely difficult though.  Looking over what I've produced, I just really need to draw more often. 
Put in the time. 
I hope that before the end of the year... I learn how to do that.  Just put in the time.


Better wishes for my future self who will exist in April.